Perspective

I just got a call from my mother. My older cousin Cindy, the daughter of my God mother, collapsed a few days ago. The tests are inconclusive so we aren't sure why. They did an MRI today and there was no brain activity. The family has to decide to keep her on life support or to take her off. This is such a sad day.

Cindy is the sweetest, caring, one of the most thoughtful people you could ever meet. She married late in life and found a wonderful husband. She has battled diabetes her whole life and still had so much left to give her family and friends. I have the warmest memories of spending time with her and having her around as I was growing up. She could always make me laugh and be proud of being a member of Guerrette family.

Life is so fragile. We are all so vulnerable.

Keeping IT REAL

Sigh....

I am depressed. To what degree, I don't know, but I do know that I feel like it's starting to take over. I have spent the past couple of months trying to avoid the fact that I'm depressed. I don't know, I guess I just think that there is a stigma attached to admitting this....."I'm weak", "I'm ungrateful", "I don't realize my good fortune", "I'm self absorbed"....etc., you get the gist. But the facts remain.....I feel down and I can't seem to lift myself out of it....no matter what I surround myself with or how much self talk I do!

FACTS:

I gained 16 pounds.
I am constantly tired.
I never want to get out of my pajamas.
I can't concentrate on being in the present.
I never want to go out or make myself look presentable.
I can't get away from negative thinking for more than 1 day, sometimes more than 1 minute.
I called in sick to work today, even though I'm out of time and will be docked and I don't care.


So, here I am.....admitting that I feel like shit. Why? I think everything just came kind of crashing down at once. I mean no one likes a whiner, however how can I truly move away from all this if I'm not honest with myself. Some people suggest that I just focus on others...but how can I give to others when I feel like there is nothing to give?

Please note, I do recognize my blessings in life......but recognizing them is not enough to take me from this daily gloom. I think I'm going to end up like my friend Janet. And that scares the hell out of me.

I know, I know......change my attitude......don't be so hard on myself.....blah, blah, blah.

But that's my point exactly.......Everything is BLAH.

Lynn's law:

Being optomistic isn't always realistic.

The list

Pros:
Intelligent
Good in bed
Conversational (when he wants)
Great kisser
Very handsome
Makes me feel comfortable
Good father
Takes charge of things (at times)
Holds me when we sleep
Isn't squimish
Accepts my body
Has diverse interests

Total=12

Cons:
Isn't financially secure
Is stingy with time and money
Doesn't take constructive criticism
Is instantly defensive
Selfish
Doesn't help out in crisis (ie. car breaking down, trouble with computer)
Isn't secure with himself.
Makes me feel terrible by not wanting to spend time with me.
Not in the same place as I am.
Doesn't know how to share emotions/feelings.
Indifferent to what is going on in my life.
Is aware that he hurts me but still continues to do it.
Doesn't help with little things like carrying groceries or taking out my trash.
Self-absorbed
Doesn't appreciate me
Doesn't love me.

Total=16


Lynn's Law:
I hate math.

The Big "C"

As I take a look at my life, not necessarily the past, but exactly where I am right now....commitment is at the heart of all my struggles and desires. It is like a sibling whom I need and depend on, yet resent and sometimes try to avoid. We are in this ride together, however there are times I just want to go my separate way.

Don't get me wrong, I long for commitment. I want the commitment of a family, children, ...in a more vague and less defined sense, a commitment to "the greater good." I want a partner in my life who is committed to me, to forgive my faults and embrace my flaws. I like being committed to teaching (though at times, I do question my follow through with this commitment). I take pride in that fact that I am, for the most part, a committed friend (though I do falter at times) and I like to believe that I am committed to showing my parents as much love and care that they have always shown me.

I want commitment. I want to be committed.

But then, there are all those areas in my life where I just seem to struggle with embracing commitment.

I vowed to give up Jermaine.......needless to say, I have yet to stick with that commitment.

I want to lose weight...I am more than knowledgeable about what it takes to get there, I just can't stick with an exercise and eating plan.

I want to strengthen my relationship with God... I have attended church only once in the past year.

I want to stop gossiping or resenting other people's good fortune....I still trash talk with the best of um!

I want to become financially secure---I have yet to discover a plan to make that truly happen.

I want to give, not only to my friends, but to society---I fall overwhelmingly short on this goal.

I want to find the right guy---I have relapses and don't put my effort/energy in the right places.

So you get the picture...I am at best, a work in progress.


I think, in part, my struggle with commitment comes from being part of the "instant gratification" generation. If it doesn't happen easily and or effortlessly, then I tend to let the goal slip. I'd rather whine about how I don't have or haven't achieved what I want.

I can't even commit to keeping up this blog :) But I sure can commit to finishing a pepperoni pizza :)

My point...not really sure that I have one, except to confront the elephant that is in my room..., and attempt to make sure committment and I are always, at the very least, riding in the same direction.

Lynn's Law: The big "C" is similar to the big "O"....difficult to get there at times, but well worth it in the end.

Lynn is back!

Okay, I will openly admit that I have spent most of the week sitting around and feeling sorry for myself. Aside from exercising and doing a little writing, I have mostly watched movies and wished I was in another life.

So it's not surprise that when Friday rolled around, I was ready to interact with another human being. I wasn't feeling too particular...I just wanted to hear another voice other than mine that was running through my head. So given the fact that that I have no single friends, I ventured out BY MYSELF, yes by myself. Not something I am accustomed to doing, to say the least.

So I got dressed and headed to Wally's! I have to be honest, I was feeling a little apprehensive going by myself. But I walked in bellied-up to the bar and ordered a beer! Luckily a couple of the regulars were there and I sat down and had someone to talk to.

As I was sitting at the bar, a really cute guy bought me a beer! He was shy about it, as my friend Amy can attest to, just the right quality to catch my attention! Eventually, he came over introduced himself and we drank beer, argued about music and closed the bar!

When the night was over, he walked me to the car (Well, I stumbled!) and we had a serious drunkem make-out session! I should be ashamed, but I'm not......I'm so proud of myself! I kissed a a cute man that I barely knew and I don't feel an ounce of guilt. Can you say L-I-B-E-R-A-T-I-N-G!

We exchanged phone numbers and off we went (separately, I might add). Will he call? WHO CARES! It was fun, boosted my confidence, and I saw a glimpse of someone I haven't seen in a long while......FUN, CAREFREE, LYNN! It's good to be back :)

Lynn's Law:
Embrace your inner-whore :) HA!

Just because...

Even though I am in the middle of heartbreak and trying to transition in a world where everyone I'm close to is either married, with kids, or pregnant......even though I am a slave to woman who expects way more out of me than I could possibly manage, and even though I am unhappy about my weight and health and some of the choices I have made in the past couple of years........I still feel grateful today.

I spent the day writing for my second job. Not exactly the type of writing that leaves me with a sense of satisfaction and awareness. But it is the type of writing that leaves me with food on my table and gas in my tank. For that I am grateful.

Though I feel like Carrie without Samantha, Charlotte, or Miranda.....I do have amazing friends who surely enrich my life. Amy is my rock and sounding board. When I'm fucking up, she tells me and forgives me for it. She gives me great advice and listens to me whine not matter how self-indulgent I seem when her world is a complicated, beautiful circus. Her husband Tony is always there for a good laugh....and thank God for him because he gets my humor. And the twins are like strawberry soda on a hot day! I am truly blessed for the joy and laughter and fascination they bring to my life.

I am thankful for my ex-boyfriend, Shelby. We have been through so much in the past ten years. But we have endured, evolved, and somehow, have come out better for it. He always says the right things to help me put things into perspective.

I am always blessed to have a caring, considerate, and thoughtful family. I do know unconditional love and acceptance and I know what a gift that is.

I have an amazing dog. He knows when to get close, when to give me space and loves me near or far. He is my baby and my companion and I am blessed by his infinite loyalty.

I also have two adorable kittens who I love watching play, frolic, and cuddle. Words can't describe how it feels to have a kitten purr in your arms. Thank you Jermaine for this unexpected blessing.

Today between writing and writing some more, I had the health channel on. I was watching a show about morbid obesity and tearing up over the men and women who couldn't even walk around their homes. Though I often hate my body and resent my health....I am so, so grateful that my body is strong and able and that it can take me where I want to go. It was motivation to care for myself. I am thankful for reality T.V.

So today I am feeling gratitude. I think I have a choice ahead of me. I can sit around and complain about all the things that feel off in my life......or I can count my blessings, make the changes that I can make... and choose to be happy in my own skin!

Lynn's law:
Sometimes you just need to count your blessings.

Good-byes and Hellos

It's been almost a year that I have been wrestling with Jermaine. Almost a year of trying to cling to a false optimism that maybe he just might see my worth and learn to love me. Deep down, I know he isn't cable of loving me. And if I'm honest how can I truly expect him to? It's been 32 years of wresting with myself and trying to overthrow all my self-doubt in order to truly love who I am. And as cliche as it sounds, I don't believe true love finds you until you have made peace with yourself.

Jermaine came into my life when I really needed him. I was in another relationship with man , Paul, who just didn't have enough life experience under his wings to build on a future with me. My relationship with Paul was strained, to say the least, when I met Jermaine. Jermaine took me out on dates, gave me much needed attention, and filled a void that I had from dating a man who lived out of the country. Within weeks of spending time with Jermaine, I learned that Paul had got another woman pregnant. As devastated as I was, Jermaine was there to soften the blows and to fill my mind and heart with possibility of life with him.

I don't know if the reason I fell for Jermaine so quickly was that I didn't want to deal with the hurt of losing Paul or if it was instant attraction. All I know is Jermaine was a magnet and I was instantly pulled in. I loved the way he made me feel. When we were out he would never look at other women, always made me feel beautiful, and made me feel comfortable in my own skin. I felt accepted by him, and at times, even loved. But as anyone could guess, that didn't last.

Though Jermaine always made me feel wanted when we were together, he was very distant when we weren't physically spending time together. He stopped calling every day and stopped emailing as much. He was always secretive, however his need for privacy seemed much more obvious to me. I was ready to plunge head first into a relationship with Jermaine and suddenly he wasn't sure that he was ready. And so the tug of war between friendship and relationship began between us. When I wanted to be with him, he wanted his space. When I gave him his space, he pulled me back in. I would catch a glimpse of deep affection from him, but it was never anything I could hold on to. And for the first time, I don't even want to try.

I am a giving person. I care about others and will defend those I love to my death. I love by sharing, and doing, and giving all that I can. It's the only way I really know how to love. Every time Jermaine was in need, I would bend over backwards to help him. Sometimes with money, other times with just time and resources. Over the past year, Jermaine was often in need. I think the glimpse I was seeing was Jermaine in love with the things I was willing to do for him. Jermaine once said that he felt like he was using me. Not wanting to believe that, or ready to face the truth from his own mouth, I ignored it. I kept clinging to the hope that deep down he did love me. But now, I have to admit that he warned me. When the smoke clears and I'm sifting through the ashes, I really only have myself to blame for the fire.

I could go on and on about Jermaine's faults and flaws. But, the biggest flaw in all of this is mine. In 32 years I have failed to learn to love myself before anyone else. I have failed to give to myself all the things I that I need. I don't blame Jermaine. And I'm not going to blame myself. I'm going to forgive myself for ignoring the voice inside of me that has been screaming "you are worth it." I'm gonna forgive myself for holding so tightly to hope that I don't notice that it is no longer hope that I'm clinging to. I'm going to forgive myself for loving others more than I love myself.
And in this forgiving I'm going to say good-bye to Jermaine.

So once again, I'm replacing one relationship for another. And while I'm nursing the wounds this break-up has inflicted, the person that is going to be around to dry my tears, make me feel accepted, and offer me hope........is me. Goodbye Jermaine, Hello Lynn.

Lynn's Law:
You're never too old to fall in love with yourself.