Stuck on Repeat

Two days in a row. I am a rock star. Actually, the reason I don't do a daily blog is that my life is not that interesting and I'm not that interested in life :)

So what's on my mind this fine p.m.? Health. I really need to get my body in check. I know I've said it many times before and I'll probably say it many times again. It is a constant struggle.

So I'm trying to pay attention again. It's all about calories in vs. calories burned right?

So here I go again. And again. And again. What can I say? Old habits die hard. Pizza tastes better than carrots...Wendy's is easier than baking...t.v. is more inviting than the gym. But I will overcome. I must overcome. I shall overcome.

Lynn's Law: Mind over matter.

It's the Thought that Counts

I'm no Carrie Bradshaw. It is not my job to write about my single life. Nor am I waif thin with an endless budget for designer shoes. My point is, void of writing deadlines, I rarely do write :) But today I feel inspired. And no, not because I joined the masses of romantics reading Hope Pray Love and envying an unrealistic existance. I'm inspired because I am surrounded by real woman with real problems who have no clue how to begin to solve them or the time and energy if they did.

Yes, I know that isn't an out pour of enthusiasm, but it's REAL! Remember real Ladies?

I am single and beginning to actually feel almost blissful about it. My friends are either married or shacked up and they hate their husbands/boyfriends most of the time. They have more man problems with one man than I would dating an entire basketball team. The essential message: Men are not the train to happiness! I mean sure...they can help make pretty babies, pick up milk, be decent fathers, be a dinner partner. But in the end, we are on our own ladies. We work jobs (yes, the plural is intential), raise children, pay mortages and rent, grocery shop, attempt to "keep ourselves up" and keep charity alive. I have yet to date a man who really betters my life except for an occassional orgasm and someone to discuss a movie or televsion with. I do not know a single woman in my life who is truely happy with her monogomy. (Well, maybe one, but I'm not even sure how real that is...you know who you are!)

I know this sounds like I'm hating on men. But I'm not. I like men. I like to talk shit, drink a beer, roll in the hay. I like the simplicity of the conversation, the jesting, the way they feel. They serve a purpose. I recognize. But at the end of the day, it is up to me to connect to the universe, keep my life in order, and to take pleasure in the small things that lead to happiness. I guess the question isn't which man will take you to happiness, but which man can you stand to be on the train ride with, without wanting to throw him off every mile?

I have had an epiphany. I want to remain single. Forever. I'm not saying I won't love or connect. Because despite my ramblings, I still believe in Love. I just don't think love means having to share a bed every night, or coming home to a lathargic man! And I don't think love means just giving yourself to one person. And the more I talk to other women, I wonder why we even try? It takes four men to even begin to be a complete person! It's not their fault. It's just the way they are built.

I am larger than life. I can work and take care of at-risk kid's needs all day. I can come home at night and write curriculum that helps teachers be better teachers. I can give an ear and hand to my friends, clean my house, pay my bills (usually, on time), and if ever given the blessing, raise a child. And I am 100 percent sure I can do this without being bound to a man. Why do I know this? I look around and see most women doing it every single day. No wonder we are such complex creatures. We have to be in order to balance a heavy plate.

Lynn's law: I am woman and you aren't worth roaring at!

Getting My Shit Together!

1. I must move on from Sean. This relationship is one-sided and makes me feel used and fake.

2. I must make a sound decision on where to live. I am struggling to pay rent where I am because my finances aren't in order and feel like I'm taking advantage of good friends. But what will happen when my work stops and I get locked into a mortgage? All too overwhelming.

3. I must excercise and make better food choices. There is not true happiness found in a cheeseburger. (not sure I believe that, but we'll go with that for now.)

4. I must work on paying off some debt. I have horrible credit. I'm not even sure how to improve it or if I should just try a bankruptcy option.

5. I must work on spending more time with the people I care about. I still spend most weekends pent up in my room watching t.v. or on the computer.

6. I must wake up earlier and put myself together a lil better I am single now, afterall.

7. I must walk ethan on a more regular basis

8. I must make a doctor's appointment to check my vitals.

9. I must be honest, forthcoming, and speak well of people that I love.

10. I must forgive myself, love myself, and FIND LOVE.

Fat is not a fairytale

As, I've said before, I'm consistently inconsistent. I have to believe that counts for something, right? But I think I have a fairly good excuse(s)... In the past month I have started a new job, moved suddenly, and began classes for my Masters, and came down with the flu. I hate juggling and I have never been good at it. Something has to go, and in this case it was blogging.

But I'm at it again, so I'm not completely hopeless.

So where am I? Well, diet is out the window. As is the exercise. I got sick and never picked it back up. It astounds me how many time I can do this, start then stop, start again, then stop. Maybe the universe it trying to tell me something(Besides that I suck at commitment). Is it possible that I'm just meant to be round? I mean, round is a good shape. The moon and sun are round. The earth is round. Cookies are round. Pizzas are round. All good things. Though I do want to be healthy, I'm about 3/4 ready to just say fuck it and eat my way to happiness. I know that isn't very Oprah or Dr. Phil of me.....But they are trippin if they think salads and nuts are the road to self-fullfillment

On the man front.....still messing around with Corey. Again, another start, then stop, then start again relationship. I complain about the roller coaster ride, but there must be something I like about it. It is a clear pattern in my life. Maybe I just think too much. I don't know how to enjoy the ride.


I am weighing the option of moving back home to Maine lately. I am soooo broke all the time. I'm lonely. And my parents are getting any younger. Sometimes I really have to wonder what is holding me in Orlando? Aside for a few great friends and steady employment, I don't really have much holding me here. Yet I stay? Hmmm. I just think that maybe I could save a little money moving in with my parents. I truly lead the life of a hermit in this city.....why not hermit rent free? I will make up my mind before summer. Living with my Dad may be hell. And I don't know if I can get a job with the economic crisis right now. But I will say, I'm closer to looking into it then I ever thought possible.

Fat Is Not a Fairy Tale
Jane Yolen

I am thinking of a fairy tale,
Cinder Elephant,
Sleeping Tubby,
Snow Weight,
where the princess is not
anorexic, wasp-waisted,
flinging herself down the stairs.

I am thinking of a fairy tale,
Hansel and Great,
Repoundsel,
Bounty and the Beast,
where the beauty
has a pillowed breast,
and fingers plump as sausage.

I am thinking of a fairy tale
that is not yet written,
for a teller not yet born,
for a listener not yet conceived,
for a world not yet won,
where everything round is good:
the sun, wheels, cookies, and the princess.

Lynn's Law: Forget the Fairytale. Eat.

There's Hope

So much has happened since my last post!

We have a new president.......whoo hoo! Watching his inaugeration brought tears to my eyes. He seems like such a good man. He's so smart, so conscious, and have you seen the way he looks at his wife? Ahh, America the Beautiful. I am so hopeful.


I last reported that I dumped both Corey and Sean. Well, that isn't exactly true. I have been spending time with Corey, here and there. What can I say, I like him. I've decided not to worry about where it's heading and just enjoy the ride. Besides, I have nothing else going on. Might as well spend time with someone I like, rather than spend it alone. I'm sure that is not all that I'm going to say on the subject. But it is all I can say right now.

I am still going strong with the diet (such a dirty word). Am I perfect,....absolutely not. But I am eating so much healthier. I have an ocassional splurge. Such as pizza and a milkshake with good friends...but I'm also not beating myself up over it. I don't do it every day... and I enjoy the hell out of it when I do indulge. I have lost 5 pounds since Christmas. Slowly, but surely. Excercise is still in the picture. I've been bustin a move about four times a week. I feel pretty good.

I started back with my Masters program. It's cake, just time consuming. But it's funded and it will give me a pay increase. Some day I'm going to go school for the things I'm really interested in, like writing and literature :) But right now I'll sell out for a virtually free degree.

Finances are still a hot mess. I don't want to and can't talk about it.


I'm about ready to move. I actually can't wait! Now I just need some money to make my new place feel like home. I'm so ready to nest. I'm tired of living like a college kid :)

So, here I am finally blogging. I'm going to really try hard to keep up with writing. I always feel better and have more perspective when I do. This is all for now. Until next time...be easy.

Lynn's law: Nothing like change to give you a little hope.

Sunday Saga

After a very pensive and, I must admit, lazy weekend...I have decided to cut loose both of the guys I was dating. Bottomline: It just isn't fun anymore. And if it's casual, it should at least be fun.

So, I'm single and ready to mingle :) Actually more like just single. I'm not really feeling much like venturing out there. But if an agreeable opportunity comes along, I won't be slamming any doors, either. I'm starting to get pretty comfortable with being alone. Scary, huh?

I also made a decision to help with my budget. I still haven't worked out how I'm going to tackle my financial situation, but I did decide to search for a roommate in order to cut living expenses. It's a huge trade off for me. Privacy for financial stability. So far I have three interested candidates. I'm not sure yet, but none of them feel like the right fit. It's early in the game. I won't be making any hastey decisions.

On a more gloomy note, I ate horribly on Friday and Saturday. Can you say Wendys? Twice. I ate too much, I ate the wrong things. But today was a new day. And so far I've done very well. Cereal, cottage cheese, yogurt, blue berries, and a turkey burger. If I eat well 5 days out of the week that's better than zero days out of the week. Baby steps.

That is the extent of my weekend report. Tune in this week for more diet and budget news.

Lynn's Law: Baby steps are better than no steps at all.

Empty Calories

Dating two guys should be exhausting, right? I should be confusing names,frantically juggling time and phone calls, so busy I don't know what to do with myself. Isn't that how my life should play out on the big screen?

Guess again. I'm pretty much bored.

For one, both men have kids. And to give the them proper credit and respect, they are both really good fathers. And we all know being a good father takes time. A lot of time. Because I'm just dating...neither one of them involves me their kid's life. That is surely a sign, right? I know. I know.

One of the guys I'm seeing is basically a complete slacker. He is a massage therapist who barely massages! I'm not exactly sure how he spends his days, but I do no it's not by paying attention to me, or making money. We have been dating since March. The sex is great. We have fun when we hang out together. He makes me laugh. And he brought me to get my first tattoo. I have tried to transition our relationship into just friendship. But he is never satisfied with that. He doesn't want to pay attention to me, but he surely doesn't want someone else to, either. Bottom line, my heart knows he isn't the right one for me...and I've pretty much known that since March. But he does provide the occasional distraction from thinking about Jermaine. And when he's attentive, I do like it.

I've been seeing guy #2 for only a couple of months. And he's pretty much a stand up guy. Good values, good job. He's going through all sorts of baby mamma drama and custody stuff. I like him, maybe a little more than should, because bottom line he's emotionally not available. He's dealing with other stuff and I don't really have a place in his life. At least the place I'm looking to fill. We don't have the same sexual chemistry as Sean and I, but he's sweet, affectionate when I'm with him, and a great date. But to be honest, his lack of attention and investment makes me a little angry and pokes at a soft, sensitive place inside of me. I have not healed enough from my hurt with J. I don't think I'm strong enough to ride this one out. I will chalk this one up to timing.

My head says cut them both loose. And at this point, I don't think there would be a grave impact on my heart. So what am I waiting for? Better yet, what am I afraid of? I'm afraid of the thinking and the longing that will occur in the absence of them. These two men are my levees right now. Without them, the flood waters of Jermaine will come rushing in and drown me with sorrow. I can't have that.

I know I should be strong and independent......and dance to the beat of "I don't need a man." But I'm heartbroken. And I'm hurting. I am filled with so much self-doubt, I could bury civilizations with it. So like Janis Joplin says, "I'm gettin it while I can." Even with these two men in my life, I just feel like I'm running on empty.

I just want to be loved, is that so wrong? :) (Sorry, I needed the comic relief.)


Lynn's Law: Most men are like empty calories. Satisfying for a minute, but don't provide the fuel to go the distance.