Stream of Consciousness

I know heartbreak. I know it like I know my parents, like a transparent friend. I have cried myself to sleep, starved myself for a week and prayed for deliverance over men. And I've done it more than once. So why does it hurt so much every time I am left standing there with my heart exposed, battered, and abandoned? I can be immune to other women's pain, desensitised as men take women's' souls and leave them with husks of a body, but I can't seem to dull the ache of my own loss. Every time a man takes a piece of me, I let it disrupt my balance and throw me into a blinding fury of pain, self-pity, and self-absorption.

Why do I allow heartbreak to render me useless?

I know there are so many people out there with great problems. I am strong, intelligent, compassionate, and globally minded........and yet here I sit, crying over one man who can't seem to love me. I am angry. But honestly enough, I am not angry with the man who broke my heart, I'm so damn angry with myself.

I am a blessed person. I have two parents who love and accept me for all that I am. I have good friends who would give up their one evening without children to help pull me from my slump. I am healthy, have a rewarding job, and a dog that knows no end to loyalty. I have been fortunate to receive an education, have been taught to be a questioner and self-thinker. Life has
been kind to me and given me many experiences filled with laughter.

And yet, here I sit.....wondering why I can't find someone to love me? Devastated at the thought of going through life alone. So yeah, I'm angry and I'm beating myself up. There is a world of causes that should have my focus.

Maybe the reason I can't find someone to love me is that I don't love and respect myself? I think I'm focusing on the wrong things. It's time I did things that make me feel useful as a human being and to give all this effort to a cause(s) that deserve my energy.

I know I have a right to feel sad. I know my feelings are legitimate. But I also know it's time to look beyond myself and contribute to life in a way that doesn't focus on heartbreak, but in a way that lift hearts.

Lynn's LAW:

Never let a man render you useless.

losing my virginity

Okay, zip up your pants and clean up your minds...
I'm not some 16-year -old spring chicken. Well, make that I'm not some 10 -year- old spring chicken (man, girls are fast these days).

Sorry to disappoint, but I'm 30-something (After 30, I stopped acknowledging birthdays) and lost my virginity long ago, back when kids still watched and ignored after-school specials, and back when girls were embarrassed to admit they started their period, let alone admit that they gave IT up.

However, despite the fact that I'm used goods and disposed of my Chasity belt, I am still a virgin. That's right, a BLOG VIRGIN! I am officially baring my naked soul and exposing my intimate self to the Internet masses. Even if I like it, don't expect me to call the next day!

I'm sure that this the point in my blog where I'm supposed to share some profound wisdom or remarkable tale, but I fear that will undoubtedly not happen my first time around..or possibly ever (most definitely not without the help of alcohol). I mean come one, were you a porn star your first time at the stick?

Instead, I'm taking this opportunity to feel out the blog. I'm looking for my place in this space...and like everyone else, my place in this life. Stay tuned for:

Things that piss me off (This will be a daily feature)
Works in progress ( I will always be the subject)
Things I find beautiful (I am not so tainted that I don't see beauty in this world)
Goals and dreams (People say I'm a dreamer...)
Cool people (These people exist to remind me that I am a work in progress)
Daily commentary on the World (Most likely will be included in "Things that piss me off")


So for now, I was only getting my cherry popped. Somehow, I think I enjoyed writing this more than I did the literal event.

I will leave you with Lynn's law of the day:

Sexual innuendos are always funny. Well, at least mine.