Just because...

Even though I am in the middle of heartbreak and trying to transition in a world where everyone I'm close to is either married, with kids, or pregnant......even though I am a slave to woman who expects way more out of me than I could possibly manage, and even though I am unhappy about my weight and health and some of the choices I have made in the past couple of years........I still feel grateful today.

I spent the day writing for my second job. Not exactly the type of writing that leaves me with a sense of satisfaction and awareness. But it is the type of writing that leaves me with food on my table and gas in my tank. For that I am grateful.

Though I feel like Carrie without Samantha, Charlotte, or Miranda.....I do have amazing friends who surely enrich my life. Amy is my rock and sounding board. When I'm fucking up, she tells me and forgives me for it. She gives me great advice and listens to me whine not matter how self-indulgent I seem when her world is a complicated, beautiful circus. Her husband Tony is always there for a good laugh....and thank God for him because he gets my humor. And the twins are like strawberry soda on a hot day! I am truly blessed for the joy and laughter and fascination they bring to my life.

I am thankful for my ex-boyfriend, Shelby. We have been through so much in the past ten years. But we have endured, evolved, and somehow, have come out better for it. He always says the right things to help me put things into perspective.

I am always blessed to have a caring, considerate, and thoughtful family. I do know unconditional love and acceptance and I know what a gift that is.

I have an amazing dog. He knows when to get close, when to give me space and loves me near or far. He is my baby and my companion and I am blessed by his infinite loyalty.

I also have two adorable kittens who I love watching play, frolic, and cuddle. Words can't describe how it feels to have a kitten purr in your arms. Thank you Jermaine for this unexpected blessing.

Today between writing and writing some more, I had the health channel on. I was watching a show about morbid obesity and tearing up over the men and women who couldn't even walk around their homes. Though I often hate my body and resent my health....I am so, so grateful that my body is strong and able and that it can take me where I want to go. It was motivation to care for myself. I am thankful for reality T.V.

So today I am feeling gratitude. I think I have a choice ahead of me. I can sit around and complain about all the things that feel off in my life......or I can count my blessings, make the changes that I can make... and choose to be happy in my own skin!

Lynn's law:
Sometimes you just need to count your blessings.

Good-byes and Hellos

It's been almost a year that I have been wrestling with Jermaine. Almost a year of trying to cling to a false optimism that maybe he just might see my worth and learn to love me. Deep down, I know he isn't cable of loving me. And if I'm honest how can I truly expect him to? It's been 32 years of wresting with myself and trying to overthrow all my self-doubt in order to truly love who I am. And as cliche as it sounds, I don't believe true love finds you until you have made peace with yourself.

Jermaine came into my life when I really needed him. I was in another relationship with man , Paul, who just didn't have enough life experience under his wings to build on a future with me. My relationship with Paul was strained, to say the least, when I met Jermaine. Jermaine took me out on dates, gave me much needed attention, and filled a void that I had from dating a man who lived out of the country. Within weeks of spending time with Jermaine, I learned that Paul had got another woman pregnant. As devastated as I was, Jermaine was there to soften the blows and to fill my mind and heart with possibility of life with him.

I don't know if the reason I fell for Jermaine so quickly was that I didn't want to deal with the hurt of losing Paul or if it was instant attraction. All I know is Jermaine was a magnet and I was instantly pulled in. I loved the way he made me feel. When we were out he would never look at other women, always made me feel beautiful, and made me feel comfortable in my own skin. I felt accepted by him, and at times, even loved. But as anyone could guess, that didn't last.

Though Jermaine always made me feel wanted when we were together, he was very distant when we weren't physically spending time together. He stopped calling every day and stopped emailing as much. He was always secretive, however his need for privacy seemed much more obvious to me. I was ready to plunge head first into a relationship with Jermaine and suddenly he wasn't sure that he was ready. And so the tug of war between friendship and relationship began between us. When I wanted to be with him, he wanted his space. When I gave him his space, he pulled me back in. I would catch a glimpse of deep affection from him, but it was never anything I could hold on to. And for the first time, I don't even want to try.

I am a giving person. I care about others and will defend those I love to my death. I love by sharing, and doing, and giving all that I can. It's the only way I really know how to love. Every time Jermaine was in need, I would bend over backwards to help him. Sometimes with money, other times with just time and resources. Over the past year, Jermaine was often in need. I think the glimpse I was seeing was Jermaine in love with the things I was willing to do for him. Jermaine once said that he felt like he was using me. Not wanting to believe that, or ready to face the truth from his own mouth, I ignored it. I kept clinging to the hope that deep down he did love me. But now, I have to admit that he warned me. When the smoke clears and I'm sifting through the ashes, I really only have myself to blame for the fire.

I could go on and on about Jermaine's faults and flaws. But, the biggest flaw in all of this is mine. In 32 years I have failed to learn to love myself before anyone else. I have failed to give to myself all the things I that I need. I don't blame Jermaine. And I'm not going to blame myself. I'm going to forgive myself for ignoring the voice inside of me that has been screaming "you are worth it." I'm gonna forgive myself for holding so tightly to hope that I don't notice that it is no longer hope that I'm clinging to. I'm going to forgive myself for loving others more than I love myself.
And in this forgiving I'm going to say good-bye to Jermaine.

So once again, I'm replacing one relationship for another. And while I'm nursing the wounds this break-up has inflicted, the person that is going to be around to dry my tears, make me feel accepted, and offer me hope........is me. Goodbye Jermaine, Hello Lynn.

Lynn's Law:
You're never too old to fall in love with yourself.

Stream of Consciousness

I know heartbreak. I know it like I know my parents, like a transparent friend. I have cried myself to sleep, starved myself for a week and prayed for deliverance over men. And I've done it more than once. So why does it hurt so much every time I am left standing there with my heart exposed, battered, and abandoned? I can be immune to other women's pain, desensitised as men take women's' souls and leave them with husks of a body, but I can't seem to dull the ache of my own loss. Every time a man takes a piece of me, I let it disrupt my balance and throw me into a blinding fury of pain, self-pity, and self-absorption.

Why do I allow heartbreak to render me useless?

I know there are so many people out there with great problems. I am strong, intelligent, compassionate, and globally minded........and yet here I sit, crying over one man who can't seem to love me. I am angry. But honestly enough, I am not angry with the man who broke my heart, I'm so damn angry with myself.

I am a blessed person. I have two parents who love and accept me for all that I am. I have good friends who would give up their one evening without children to help pull me from my slump. I am healthy, have a rewarding job, and a dog that knows no end to loyalty. I have been fortunate to receive an education, have been taught to be a questioner and self-thinker. Life has
been kind to me and given me many experiences filled with laughter.

And yet, here I sit.....wondering why I can't find someone to love me? Devastated at the thought of going through life alone. So yeah, I'm angry and I'm beating myself up. There is a world of causes that should have my focus.

Maybe the reason I can't find someone to love me is that I don't love and respect myself? I think I'm focusing on the wrong things. It's time I did things that make me feel useful as a human being and to give all this effort to a cause(s) that deserve my energy.

I know I have a right to feel sad. I know my feelings are legitimate. But I also know it's time to look beyond myself and contribute to life in a way that doesn't focus on heartbreak, but in a way that lift hearts.

Lynn's LAW:

Never let a man render you useless.

losing my virginity

Okay, zip up your pants and clean up your minds...
I'm not some 16-year -old spring chicken. Well, make that I'm not some 10 -year- old spring chicken (man, girls are fast these days).

Sorry to disappoint, but I'm 30-something (After 30, I stopped acknowledging birthdays) and lost my virginity long ago, back when kids still watched and ignored after-school specials, and back when girls were embarrassed to admit they started their period, let alone admit that they gave IT up.

However, despite the fact that I'm used goods and disposed of my Chasity belt, I am still a virgin. That's right, a BLOG VIRGIN! I am officially baring my naked soul and exposing my intimate self to the Internet masses. Even if I like it, don't expect me to call the next day!

I'm sure that this the point in my blog where I'm supposed to share some profound wisdom or remarkable tale, but I fear that will undoubtedly not happen my first time around..or possibly ever (most definitely not without the help of alcohol). I mean come one, were you a porn star your first time at the stick?

Instead, I'm taking this opportunity to feel out the blog. I'm looking for my place in this space...and like everyone else, my place in this life. Stay tuned for:

Things that piss me off (This will be a daily feature)
Works in progress ( I will always be the subject)
Things I find beautiful (I am not so tainted that I don't see beauty in this world)
Goals and dreams (People say I'm a dreamer...)
Cool people (These people exist to remind me that I am a work in progress)
Daily commentary on the World (Most likely will be included in "Things that piss me off")


So for now, I was only getting my cherry popped. Somehow, I think I enjoyed writing this more than I did the literal event.

I will leave you with Lynn's law of the day:

Sexual innuendos are always funny. Well, at least mine.