Stream of Consciousness

I know heartbreak. I know it like I know my parents, like a transparent friend. I have cried myself to sleep, starved myself for a week and prayed for deliverance over men. And I've done it more than once. So why does it hurt so much every time I am left standing there with my heart exposed, battered, and abandoned? I can be immune to other women's pain, desensitised as men take women's' souls and leave them with husks of a body, but I can't seem to dull the ache of my own loss. Every time a man takes a piece of me, I let it disrupt my balance and throw me into a blinding fury of pain, self-pity, and self-absorption.

Why do I allow heartbreak to render me useless?

I know there are so many people out there with great problems. I am strong, intelligent, compassionate, and globally minded........and yet here I sit, crying over one man who can't seem to love me. I am angry. But honestly enough, I am not angry with the man who broke my heart, I'm so damn angry with myself.

I am a blessed person. I have two parents who love and accept me for all that I am. I have good friends who would give up their one evening without children to help pull me from my slump. I am healthy, have a rewarding job, and a dog that knows no end to loyalty. I have been fortunate to receive an education, have been taught to be a questioner and self-thinker. Life has
been kind to me and given me many experiences filled with laughter.

And yet, here I sit.....wondering why I can't find someone to love me? Devastated at the thought of going through life alone. So yeah, I'm angry and I'm beating myself up. There is a world of causes that should have my focus.

Maybe the reason I can't find someone to love me is that I don't love and respect myself? I think I'm focusing on the wrong things. It's time I did things that make me feel useful as a human being and to give all this effort to a cause(s) that deserve my energy.

I know I have a right to feel sad. I know my feelings are legitimate. But I also know it's time to look beyond myself and contribute to life in a way that doesn't focus on heartbreak, but in a way that lift hearts.

Lynn's LAW:

Never let a man render you useless.