Pulse

I have been excercising lately, just going for walks at night, but I have to admit I feel better. A little more focused and positive. Nothing in my life has really changed, I just don't seem to be dwelling on the negative. I'm still single, still fat, still broke as hell, funding for my Masters has been cut, and Lost isn't coming on for a month. But, I'm okay :)

Lost 6 pounds last week
walked 2 miles last night
Sent out letters to family


Happiness: 5

Onward

+

I walked 1.5 miles

I am diligently counting points

I'm going to my GRE prep class because I made a committment to attend

I took my vitamins

I didn't spend any money today

I ignored Jermaine's text


-
My cousin still isn't well

I am not finished with my strategy project and it's due by tomorrow noon

I'm still really tired

Happiness rating: 3

Small Things

I walked two miles today.

I kept my weight watchers points under 25.

I didn't spend any money.

I remembered to take my calcium and vitamin.

It's been two days since I've been in any contact with Jermaine.

Happiness rating: 2

Perspective

I just got a call from my mother. My older cousin Cindy, the daughter of my God mother, collapsed a few days ago. The tests are inconclusive so we aren't sure why. They did an MRI today and there was no brain activity. The family has to decide to keep her on life support or to take her off. This is such a sad day.

Cindy is the sweetest, caring, one of the most thoughtful people you could ever meet. She married late in life and found a wonderful husband. She has battled diabetes her whole life and still had so much left to give her family and friends. I have the warmest memories of spending time with her and having her around as I was growing up. She could always make me laugh and be proud of being a member of Guerrette family.

Life is so fragile. We are all so vulnerable.

Keeping IT REAL

Sigh....

I am depressed. To what degree, I don't know, but I do know that I feel like it's starting to take over. I have spent the past couple of months trying to avoid the fact that I'm depressed. I don't know, I guess I just think that there is a stigma attached to admitting this....."I'm weak", "I'm ungrateful", "I don't realize my good fortune", "I'm self absorbed"....etc., you get the gist. But the facts remain.....I feel down and I can't seem to lift myself out of it....no matter what I surround myself with or how much self talk I do!

FACTS:

I gained 16 pounds.
I am constantly tired.
I never want to get out of my pajamas.
I can't concentrate on being in the present.
I never want to go out or make myself look presentable.
I can't get away from negative thinking for more than 1 day, sometimes more than 1 minute.
I called in sick to work today, even though I'm out of time and will be docked and I don't care.


So, here I am.....admitting that I feel like shit. Why? I think everything just came kind of crashing down at once. I mean no one likes a whiner, however how can I truly move away from all this if I'm not honest with myself. Some people suggest that I just focus on others...but how can I give to others when I feel like there is nothing to give?

Please note, I do recognize my blessings in life......but recognizing them is not enough to take me from this daily gloom. I think I'm going to end up like my friend Janet. And that scares the hell out of me.

I know, I know......change my attitude......don't be so hard on myself.....blah, blah, blah.

But that's my point exactly.......Everything is BLAH.

Lynn's law:

Being optomistic isn't always realistic.

The list

Pros:
Intelligent
Good in bed
Conversational (when he wants)
Great kisser
Very handsome
Makes me feel comfortable
Good father
Takes charge of things (at times)
Holds me when we sleep
Isn't squimish
Accepts my body
Has diverse interests

Total=12

Cons:
Isn't financially secure
Is stingy with time and money
Doesn't take constructive criticism
Is instantly defensive
Selfish
Doesn't help out in crisis (ie. car breaking down, trouble with computer)
Isn't secure with himself.
Makes me feel terrible by not wanting to spend time with me.
Not in the same place as I am.
Doesn't know how to share emotions/feelings.
Indifferent to what is going on in my life.
Is aware that he hurts me but still continues to do it.
Doesn't help with little things like carrying groceries or taking out my trash.
Self-absorbed
Doesn't appreciate me
Doesn't love me.

Total=16


Lynn's Law:
I hate math.

The Big "C"

As I take a look at my life, not necessarily the past, but exactly where I am right now....commitment is at the heart of all my struggles and desires. It is like a sibling whom I need and depend on, yet resent and sometimes try to avoid. We are in this ride together, however there are times I just want to go my separate way.

Don't get me wrong, I long for commitment. I want the commitment of a family, children, ...in a more vague and less defined sense, a commitment to "the greater good." I want a partner in my life who is committed to me, to forgive my faults and embrace my flaws. I like being committed to teaching (though at times, I do question my follow through with this commitment). I take pride in that fact that I am, for the most part, a committed friend (though I do falter at times) and I like to believe that I am committed to showing my parents as much love and care that they have always shown me.

I want commitment. I want to be committed.

But then, there are all those areas in my life where I just seem to struggle with embracing commitment.

I vowed to give up Jermaine.......needless to say, I have yet to stick with that commitment.

I want to lose weight...I am more than knowledgeable about what it takes to get there, I just can't stick with an exercise and eating plan.

I want to strengthen my relationship with God... I have attended church only once in the past year.

I want to stop gossiping or resenting other people's good fortune....I still trash talk with the best of um!

I want to become financially secure---I have yet to discover a plan to make that truly happen.

I want to give, not only to my friends, but to society---I fall overwhelmingly short on this goal.

I want to find the right guy---I have relapses and don't put my effort/energy in the right places.

So you get the picture...I am at best, a work in progress.


I think, in part, my struggle with commitment comes from being part of the "instant gratification" generation. If it doesn't happen easily and or effortlessly, then I tend to let the goal slip. I'd rather whine about how I don't have or haven't achieved what I want.

I can't even commit to keeping up this blog :) But I sure can commit to finishing a pepperoni pizza :)

My point...not really sure that I have one, except to confront the elephant that is in my room..., and attempt to make sure committment and I are always, at the very least, riding in the same direction.

Lynn's Law: The big "C" is similar to the big "O"....difficult to get there at times, but well worth it in the end.

Lynn is back!

Okay, I will openly admit that I have spent most of the week sitting around and feeling sorry for myself. Aside from exercising and doing a little writing, I have mostly watched movies and wished I was in another life.

So it's not surprise that when Friday rolled around, I was ready to interact with another human being. I wasn't feeling too particular...I just wanted to hear another voice other than mine that was running through my head. So given the fact that that I have no single friends, I ventured out BY MYSELF, yes by myself. Not something I am accustomed to doing, to say the least.

So I got dressed and headed to Wally's! I have to be honest, I was feeling a little apprehensive going by myself. But I walked in bellied-up to the bar and ordered a beer! Luckily a couple of the regulars were there and I sat down and had someone to talk to.

As I was sitting at the bar, a really cute guy bought me a beer! He was shy about it, as my friend Amy can attest to, just the right quality to catch my attention! Eventually, he came over introduced himself and we drank beer, argued about music and closed the bar!

When the night was over, he walked me to the car (Well, I stumbled!) and we had a serious drunkem make-out session! I should be ashamed, but I'm not......I'm so proud of myself! I kissed a a cute man that I barely knew and I don't feel an ounce of guilt. Can you say L-I-B-E-R-A-T-I-N-G!

We exchanged phone numbers and off we went (separately, I might add). Will he call? WHO CARES! It was fun, boosted my confidence, and I saw a glimpse of someone I haven't seen in a long while......FUN, CAREFREE, LYNN! It's good to be back :)

Lynn's Law:
Embrace your inner-whore :) HA!