So much has happened since my last post!
We have a new president.......whoo hoo! Watching his inaugeration brought tears to my eyes. He seems like such a good man. He's so smart, so conscious, and have you seen the way he looks at his wife? Ahh, America the Beautiful. I am so hopeful.
I last reported that I dumped both Corey and Sean. Well, that isn't exactly true. I have been spending time with Corey, here and there. What can I say, I like him. I've decided not to worry about where it's heading and just enjoy the ride. Besides, I have nothing else going on. Might as well spend time with someone I like, rather than spend it alone. I'm sure that is not all that I'm going to say on the subject. But it is all I can say right now.
I am still going strong with the diet (such a dirty word). Am I perfect,....absolutely not. But I am eating so much healthier. I have an ocassional splurge. Such as pizza and a milkshake with good friends...but I'm also not beating myself up over it. I don't do it every day... and I enjoy the hell out of it when I do indulge. I have lost 5 pounds since Christmas. Slowly, but surely. Excercise is still in the picture. I've been bustin a move about four times a week. I feel pretty good.
I started back with my Masters program. It's cake, just time consuming. But it's funded and it will give me a pay increase. Some day I'm going to go school for the things I'm really interested in, like writing and literature :) But right now I'll sell out for a virtually free degree.
Finances are still a hot mess. I don't want to and can't talk about it.
I'm about ready to move. I actually can't wait! Now I just need some money to make my new place feel like home. I'm so ready to nest. I'm tired of living like a college kid :)
So, here I am finally blogging. I'm going to really try hard to keep up with writing. I always feel better and have more perspective when I do. This is all for now. Until next time...be easy.
Lynn's law: Nothing like change to give you a little hope.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Sunday Saga
After a very pensive and, I must admit, lazy weekend...I have decided to cut loose both of the guys I was dating. Bottomline: It just isn't fun anymore. And if it's casual, it should at least be fun.
So, I'm single and ready to mingle :) Actually more like just single. I'm not really feeling much like venturing out there. But if an agreeable opportunity comes along, I won't be slamming any doors, either. I'm starting to get pretty comfortable with being alone. Scary, huh?
I also made a decision to help with my budget. I still haven't worked out how I'm going to tackle my financial situation, but I did decide to search for a roommate in order to cut living expenses. It's a huge trade off for me. Privacy for financial stability. So far I have three interested candidates. I'm not sure yet, but none of them feel like the right fit. It's early in the game. I won't be making any hastey decisions.
On a more gloomy note, I ate horribly on Friday and Saturday. Can you say Wendys? Twice. I ate too much, I ate the wrong things. But today was a new day. And so far I've done very well. Cereal, cottage cheese, yogurt, blue berries, and a turkey burger. If I eat well 5 days out of the week that's better than zero days out of the week. Baby steps.
That is the extent of my weekend report. Tune in this week for more diet and budget news.
Lynn's Law: Baby steps are better than no steps at all.
So, I'm single and ready to mingle :) Actually more like just single. I'm not really feeling much like venturing out there. But if an agreeable opportunity comes along, I won't be slamming any doors, either. I'm starting to get pretty comfortable with being alone. Scary, huh?
I also made a decision to help with my budget. I still haven't worked out how I'm going to tackle my financial situation, but I did decide to search for a roommate in order to cut living expenses. It's a huge trade off for me. Privacy for financial stability. So far I have three interested candidates. I'm not sure yet, but none of them feel like the right fit. It's early in the game. I won't be making any hastey decisions.
On a more gloomy note, I ate horribly on Friday and Saturday. Can you say Wendys? Twice. I ate too much, I ate the wrong things. But today was a new day. And so far I've done very well. Cereal, cottage cheese, yogurt, blue berries, and a turkey burger. If I eat well 5 days out of the week that's better than zero days out of the week. Baby steps.
That is the extent of my weekend report. Tune in this week for more diet and budget news.
Lynn's Law: Baby steps are better than no steps at all.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Empty Calories
Dating two guys should be exhausting, right? I should be confusing names,frantically juggling time and phone calls, so busy I don't know what to do with myself. Isn't that how my life should play out on the big screen?
Guess again. I'm pretty much bored.
For one, both men have kids. And to give the them proper credit and respect, they are both really good fathers. And we all know being a good father takes time. A lot of time. Because I'm just dating...neither one of them involves me their kid's life. That is surely a sign, right? I know. I know.
One of the guys I'm seeing is basically a complete slacker. He is a massage therapist who barely massages! I'm not exactly sure how he spends his days, but I do no it's not by paying attention to me, or making money. We have been dating since March. The sex is great. We have fun when we hang out together. He makes me laugh. And he brought me to get my first tattoo. I have tried to transition our relationship into just friendship. But he is never satisfied with that. He doesn't want to pay attention to me, but he surely doesn't want someone else to, either. Bottom line, my heart knows he isn't the right one for me...and I've pretty much known that since March. But he does provide the occasional distraction from thinking about Jermaine. And when he's attentive, I do like it.
I've been seeing guy #2 for only a couple of months. And he's pretty much a stand up guy. Good values, good job. He's going through all sorts of baby mamma drama and custody stuff. I like him, maybe a little more than should, because bottom line he's emotionally not available. He's dealing with other stuff and I don't really have a place in his life. At least the place I'm looking to fill. We don't have the same sexual chemistry as Sean and I, but he's sweet, affectionate when I'm with him, and a great date. But to be honest, his lack of attention and investment makes me a little angry and pokes at a soft, sensitive place inside of me. I have not healed enough from my hurt with J. I don't think I'm strong enough to ride this one out. I will chalk this one up to timing.
My head says cut them both loose. And at this point, I don't think there would be a grave impact on my heart. So what am I waiting for? Better yet, what am I afraid of? I'm afraid of the thinking and the longing that will occur in the absence of them. These two men are my levees right now. Without them, the flood waters of Jermaine will come rushing in and drown me with sorrow. I can't have that.
I know I should be strong and independent......and dance to the beat of "I don't need a man." But I'm heartbroken. And I'm hurting. I am filled with so much self-doubt, I could bury civilizations with it. So like Janis Joplin says, "I'm gettin it while I can." Even with these two men in my life, I just feel like I'm running on empty.
I just want to be loved, is that so wrong? :) (Sorry, I needed the comic relief.)
Lynn's Law: Most men are like empty calories. Satisfying for a minute, but don't provide the fuel to go the distance.
Guess again. I'm pretty much bored.
For one, both men have kids. And to give the them proper credit and respect, they are both really good fathers. And we all know being a good father takes time. A lot of time. Because I'm just dating...neither one of them involves me their kid's life. That is surely a sign, right? I know. I know.
One of the guys I'm seeing is basically a complete slacker. He is a massage therapist who barely massages! I'm not exactly sure how he spends his days, but I do no it's not by paying attention to me, or making money. We have been dating since March. The sex is great. We have fun when we hang out together. He makes me laugh. And he brought me to get my first tattoo. I have tried to transition our relationship into just friendship. But he is never satisfied with that. He doesn't want to pay attention to me, but he surely doesn't want someone else to, either. Bottom line, my heart knows he isn't the right one for me...and I've pretty much known that since March. But he does provide the occasional distraction from thinking about Jermaine. And when he's attentive, I do like it.
I've been seeing guy #2 for only a couple of months. And he's pretty much a stand up guy. Good values, good job. He's going through all sorts of baby mamma drama and custody stuff. I like him, maybe a little more than should, because bottom line he's emotionally not available. He's dealing with other stuff and I don't really have a place in his life. At least the place I'm looking to fill. We don't have the same sexual chemistry as Sean and I, but he's sweet, affectionate when I'm with him, and a great date. But to be honest, his lack of attention and investment makes me a little angry and pokes at a soft, sensitive place inside of me. I have not healed enough from my hurt with J. I don't think I'm strong enough to ride this one out. I will chalk this one up to timing.
My head says cut them both loose. And at this point, I don't think there would be a grave impact on my heart. So what am I waiting for? Better yet, what am I afraid of? I'm afraid of the thinking and the longing that will occur in the absence of them. These two men are my levees right now. Without them, the flood waters of Jermaine will come rushing in and drown me with sorrow. I can't have that.
I know I should be strong and independent......and dance to the beat of "I don't need a man." But I'm heartbroken. And I'm hurting. I am filled with so much self-doubt, I could bury civilizations with it. So like Janis Joplin says, "I'm gettin it while I can." Even with these two men in my life, I just feel like I'm running on empty.
I just want to be loved, is that so wrong? :) (Sorry, I needed the comic relief.)
Lynn's Law: Most men are like empty calories. Satisfying for a minute, but don't provide the fuel to go the distance.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Progress check
Well, it's been a couple of days since I blogged, so I'm not doing a great job with posting. But consistancy is the key, and that is what I'm shooting for.
I just wanted to write in and talk about how my weigh loss attempt is progressing.
I've been eating pretty well for three days now. Today, I wasn't great, but I was better than I am when I don't pay attention at all. Basically I'm eating a breakfast, watching my fat and processed white intake, and avoiding fried food. I get three checks for the week thus far. My portion control at night could definitely be better. I think I need to increase my calories at breakfast. I'm just not hungry in the morning! I am not one of those people who can eat only when they are hungry....because for most of the day I don't have much of an appetite. Especially if I'm busy. But come night time, I'm ready for carbs, carbs, and more carbs. I have to admit, I do feel like I am doing bettter about spreading my calories out and being more balanced. Three days into it, a lifetime to go.
As for excercise, I got up and moved on Sat, Mon,, and today. I really want to make sure I am excercisng at least 5 to 6 days a week. I'm going have to be better about getting enough sleep so that I'm rested to excercise and finding the time to fit it in. I am worth it. I have a good heart. I want it to stay that way.
All and all. Not a bad start. I really want to focus on being healthy and feeling good. And I feel like I'm doing it. Life is about to get crazy with job, school, moving, etc., etc., so I need to remind myself how important it is to keep focusing on my health. Move over Oprah.
Lynn's Law: practice makes permanence, not perfection.
I just wanted to write in and talk about how my weigh loss attempt is progressing.
I've been eating pretty well for three days now. Today, I wasn't great, but I was better than I am when I don't pay attention at all. Basically I'm eating a breakfast, watching my fat and processed white intake, and avoiding fried food. I get three checks for the week thus far. My portion control at night could definitely be better. I think I need to increase my calories at breakfast. I'm just not hungry in the morning! I am not one of those people who can eat only when they are hungry....because for most of the day I don't have much of an appetite. Especially if I'm busy. But come night time, I'm ready for carbs, carbs, and more carbs. I have to admit, I do feel like I am doing bettter about spreading my calories out and being more balanced. Three days into it, a lifetime to go.
As for excercise, I got up and moved on Sat, Mon,, and today. I really want to make sure I am excercisng at least 5 to 6 days a week. I'm going have to be better about getting enough sleep so that I'm rested to excercise and finding the time to fit it in. I am worth it. I have a good heart. I want it to stay that way.
All and all. Not a bad start. I really want to focus on being healthy and feeling good. And I feel like I'm doing it. Life is about to get crazy with job, school, moving, etc., etc., so I need to remind myself how important it is to keep focusing on my health. Move over Oprah.
Lynn's Law: practice makes permanence, not perfection.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Resolutions I Need to Keep
New year. New focus. Since all I really have going on right now is me, now is as good of time as any to really show myself some love.
Beginning tomorrow, I'm going to really focus on taking care of my health. I want to eat healthy and excercise at least five days a week. Even if I just go for a small walk, I want to keep my body moving. Yes, I'm doing this because I want to look better in jeans...but the older I get, my reasons for wanting to lose weight has moved from beyond a shallow place. I really do want a healthy heart and an able body. I want to feel strong, confident, and proud of my health. So here's to diet attempt 629, 472, or it might as well be. I'm not even gonna call this a diet. Just an attempt to be conscious of the foods I choose to put into my body on a regular bases and to move. In reading past blogs, I noticed that excercise truly does make me feel clearer headed.
I also want to get my financial situation in control. I haven't really worked that out yet, so that will be a blog yet to come.
I hope to find love in 2009. A good love. A recipricated love. I know this can't really be sought, it finds you, but I want to open my mind and heart to the possiblity. He is out there, isn't he?
I want to be neater and more organized. This causes me less chaos in the end. I want to spend more time with good friends and my adorable twins. And I want to take Ethan for more walks.
So here's to staying focused and showing a little self-love.
Lynn's Law: Love hurts.
Beginning tomorrow, I'm going to really focus on taking care of my health. I want to eat healthy and excercise at least five days a week. Even if I just go for a small walk, I want to keep my body moving. Yes, I'm doing this because I want to look better in jeans...but the older I get, my reasons for wanting to lose weight has moved from beyond a shallow place. I really do want a healthy heart and an able body. I want to feel strong, confident, and proud of my health. So here's to diet attempt 629, 472, or it might as well be. I'm not even gonna call this a diet. Just an attempt to be conscious of the foods I choose to put into my body on a regular bases and to move. In reading past blogs, I noticed that excercise truly does make me feel clearer headed.
I also want to get my financial situation in control. I haven't really worked that out yet, so that will be a blog yet to come.
I hope to find love in 2009. A good love. A recipricated love. I know this can't really be sought, it finds you, but I want to open my mind and heart to the possiblity. He is out there, isn't he?
I want to be neater and more organized. This causes me less chaos in the end. I want to spend more time with good friends and my adorable twins. And I want to take Ethan for more walks.
So here's to staying focused and showing a little self-love.
Lynn's Law: Love hurts.
Creep
Well, I was doing pretty good. I started talking and hanging out with a pretty cool guy. I put my relationship with Sean in a little more focus. I had a great trip to Maine and had an awesome time with old friends. My life was starting to feel occupied. I was down to thinking about Jermaine to only once a day. I really felt like I was making progress. Forgive and forget. Live and let live.....yada yada yada.
Then my friend (loose term) Sara called to tell me that she spent New Years with Jermaine and he brought a date. Some girl he's been talking to for about four months. And here he comes CREEPING back into my head. I was demolished. I felt sick to my stomach, unlovable, and really lost any vision of hope. Can someone explain to me how he can just drop me and pick right back up with someone new? Was I really all that clueless to what was going on between Jermaine and I? Damn him.
So the phone call leads to seeing him downtown. It was from a distance and completely accidental, but it still hurt like hell. That leads to me visiting his Myspace page (Okay, maybe I am a stalker?) and on his myspace page he has two songs from Anthony Hamilton clearly intended for me to hear. He always did like to send me messages through music.
So I'm feeling fucked up. I know he doesn't deserve me. I know I shouldn't love him. I know I shouldn't cry myself to sleep on Saturday nights. But I still do.
I am woman, hear me roar.
Lynn's Law: Beware of the Creep.
Then my friend (loose term) Sara called to tell me that she spent New Years with Jermaine and he brought a date. Some girl he's been talking to for about four months. And here he comes CREEPING back into my head. I was demolished. I felt sick to my stomach, unlovable, and really lost any vision of hope. Can someone explain to me how he can just drop me and pick right back up with someone new? Was I really all that clueless to what was going on between Jermaine and I? Damn him.
So the phone call leads to seeing him downtown. It was from a distance and completely accidental, but it still hurt like hell. That leads to me visiting his Myspace page (Okay, maybe I am a stalker?) and on his myspace page he has two songs from Anthony Hamilton clearly intended for me to hear. He always did like to send me messages through music.
So I'm feeling fucked up. I know he doesn't deserve me. I know I shouldn't love him. I know I shouldn't cry myself to sleep on Saturday nights. But I still do.
I am woman, hear me roar.
Lynn's Law: Beware of the Creep.
Friday, January 2, 2009
The Four Agreements
Yes, I know it's been a long time since I entered the world of blog. I have been on hiatus from writing. I wish I could say the same for thinking. But I'm back now, and my one of my goals for the new year is to write more. So alas...here I go.
I've been rereading a book by Don Miguel Ruiz, called The Four Agreements. It is a book my brother recommended to me years ago. I connected with it then, when I was going through a major breakup with my ex boyfriend Shelby, and I find after all these years, I still connect with the basic philosophy. Actually, the philosophy isn't at all basic. It is deep with layers and layers of meaning, yet there is still a simpleness about it. Anyway, I won't talk the book. Anyone interested in world philosophy should definitely give it a read.
The four agreements are:
1. Be impeccable with your word 2. Don't take anything personally 3. Don't make assumptions
4. Always do your best.
Such four simple principles....however the task of mastering these principles is very difficult.
I wish I was impeccable with my word. I do my best to speak with integrity and to say what I mean and mean what I say. But if I'm honest, I all to often fall short of this goal. I often tell lies as to not hurt others' feelings or to get out of obligations (responsibility). On more than one occasion, these lies have led to tangled webs. I always tell myself I'm going to improve on this, but I often fall back to the same practiced habit. I also use the power of word to speak ill of myself and others. The lies I tell myself, are the most damaging messages of all. This year, I vow to make an honest and intended effort to be impeccable with my word. The people who love me and who matter will always swallow the truth, and I have to let the people who can't, own it as their own issue. I'm also going to pay attention to the messages I tell myself. They always say..."the truth will set you free." Knowing who I am, and being honest about who I can be is probably the best gift I can give myself.
The second agreement is the one I struggle the most with. I take EVERYTHING personally. If someone cuts me off in traffic, I think it's personal. If a guy I like doesn't answer my phone call right away, I take it personal. If the bank charges me an overdraft fee, I take it personal. You get the point. The book proclaims that, "Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality and their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering." How I so want to master this agreement. I would love to not take words and actions to heart. I imagine, you have to be very secure with yourself in order to truly master this principle. All I can say about this one is that I will take baby steps and do my best to try to apply this to my life. After all, I am only a work in progress :)
The next agreement is to not make assumptions. I feel that at the age of 33, I am getting better at this one. I ask the right questions and do my best to communicate clearly. I still do make assumptions, but I'm more aware of when I'm doing it and I can easily figure out that more communication is needed before I come to a conclusion. I think this is the agreement that I'm closest to getting right. I do my best not to judge. But I will say I also refuse to ignore the writing on the wall. This one is definitely a teetering act!
The last agreement is to always do your best. I think this is relative. My best one day, may not be my best another day. But I think always putting your best foot forward is the right way to go about living life. Do I always do it? Hell no. Do I think I should, ...of course. I am the classic under achiever. I like to believe that when it comes to people and things that really matter, I'm going to give it my all. But the hard question I need to ask is.....If I matter, why don't I give myself the best? See, I'm working on being impeccable with my word :)
So all this reflection to say that in 2009, I want to work on being a happier, healthier person. I want to recognize my blessings, surround myself with people who have similar beliefs and values, and improve in areas that need improving. I hope this year I am one year closer to being truly comfortable in my own skin and helping those I love feel comfortable in theirs.
Lynn's Law: Nothing is more important than keeping the agreements you make with yourself. 2009 is a good year to shine.
I've been rereading a book by Don Miguel Ruiz, called The Four Agreements. It is a book my brother recommended to me years ago. I connected with it then, when I was going through a major breakup with my ex boyfriend Shelby, and I find after all these years, I still connect with the basic philosophy. Actually, the philosophy isn't at all basic. It is deep with layers and layers of meaning, yet there is still a simpleness about it. Anyway, I won't talk the book. Anyone interested in world philosophy should definitely give it a read.
The four agreements are:
1. Be impeccable with your word 2. Don't take anything personally 3. Don't make assumptions
4. Always do your best.
Such four simple principles....however the task of mastering these principles is very difficult.
I wish I was impeccable with my word. I do my best to speak with integrity and to say what I mean and mean what I say. But if I'm honest, I all to often fall short of this goal. I often tell lies as to not hurt others' feelings or to get out of obligations (responsibility). On more than one occasion, these lies have led to tangled webs. I always tell myself I'm going to improve on this, but I often fall back to the same practiced habit. I also use the power of word to speak ill of myself and others. The lies I tell myself, are the most damaging messages of all. This year, I vow to make an honest and intended effort to be impeccable with my word. The people who love me and who matter will always swallow the truth, and I have to let the people who can't, own it as their own issue. I'm also going to pay attention to the messages I tell myself. They always say..."the truth will set you free." Knowing who I am, and being honest about who I can be is probably the best gift I can give myself.
The second agreement is the one I struggle the most with. I take EVERYTHING personally. If someone cuts me off in traffic, I think it's personal. If a guy I like doesn't answer my phone call right away, I take it personal. If the bank charges me an overdraft fee, I take it personal. You get the point. The book proclaims that, "Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality and their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering." How I so want to master this agreement. I would love to not take words and actions to heart. I imagine, you have to be very secure with yourself in order to truly master this principle. All I can say about this one is that I will take baby steps and do my best to try to apply this to my life. After all, I am only a work in progress :)
The next agreement is to not make assumptions. I feel that at the age of 33, I am getting better at this one. I ask the right questions and do my best to communicate clearly. I still do make assumptions, but I'm more aware of when I'm doing it and I can easily figure out that more communication is needed before I come to a conclusion. I think this is the agreement that I'm closest to getting right. I do my best not to judge. But I will say I also refuse to ignore the writing on the wall. This one is definitely a teetering act!
The last agreement is to always do your best. I think this is relative. My best one day, may not be my best another day. But I think always putting your best foot forward is the right way to go about living life. Do I always do it? Hell no. Do I think I should, ...of course. I am the classic under achiever. I like to believe that when it comes to people and things that really matter, I'm going to give it my all. But the hard question I need to ask is.....If I matter, why don't I give myself the best? See, I'm working on being impeccable with my word :)
So all this reflection to say that in 2009, I want to work on being a happier, healthier person. I want to recognize my blessings, surround myself with people who have similar beliefs and values, and improve in areas that need improving. I hope this year I am one year closer to being truly comfortable in my own skin and helping those I love feel comfortable in theirs.
Lynn's Law: Nothing is more important than keeping the agreements you make with yourself. 2009 is a good year to shine.
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