Good-byes and Hellos

It's been almost a year that I have been wrestling with Jermaine. Almost a year of trying to cling to a false optimism that maybe he just might see my worth and learn to love me. Deep down, I know he isn't cable of loving me. And if I'm honest how can I truly expect him to? It's been 32 years of wresting with myself and trying to overthrow all my self-doubt in order to truly love who I am. And as cliche as it sounds, I don't believe true love finds you until you have made peace with yourself.

Jermaine came into my life when I really needed him. I was in another relationship with man , Paul, who just didn't have enough life experience under his wings to build on a future with me. My relationship with Paul was strained, to say the least, when I met Jermaine. Jermaine took me out on dates, gave me much needed attention, and filled a void that I had from dating a man who lived out of the country. Within weeks of spending time with Jermaine, I learned that Paul had got another woman pregnant. As devastated as I was, Jermaine was there to soften the blows and to fill my mind and heart with possibility of life with him.

I don't know if the reason I fell for Jermaine so quickly was that I didn't want to deal with the hurt of losing Paul or if it was instant attraction. All I know is Jermaine was a magnet and I was instantly pulled in. I loved the way he made me feel. When we were out he would never look at other women, always made me feel beautiful, and made me feel comfortable in my own skin. I felt accepted by him, and at times, even loved. But as anyone could guess, that didn't last.

Though Jermaine always made me feel wanted when we were together, he was very distant when we weren't physically spending time together. He stopped calling every day and stopped emailing as much. He was always secretive, however his need for privacy seemed much more obvious to me. I was ready to plunge head first into a relationship with Jermaine and suddenly he wasn't sure that he was ready. And so the tug of war between friendship and relationship began between us. When I wanted to be with him, he wanted his space. When I gave him his space, he pulled me back in. I would catch a glimpse of deep affection from him, but it was never anything I could hold on to. And for the first time, I don't even want to try.

I am a giving person. I care about others and will defend those I love to my death. I love by sharing, and doing, and giving all that I can. It's the only way I really know how to love. Every time Jermaine was in need, I would bend over backwards to help him. Sometimes with money, other times with just time and resources. Over the past year, Jermaine was often in need. I think the glimpse I was seeing was Jermaine in love with the things I was willing to do for him. Jermaine once said that he felt like he was using me. Not wanting to believe that, or ready to face the truth from his own mouth, I ignored it. I kept clinging to the hope that deep down he did love me. But now, I have to admit that he warned me. When the smoke clears and I'm sifting through the ashes, I really only have myself to blame for the fire.

I could go on and on about Jermaine's faults and flaws. But, the biggest flaw in all of this is mine. In 32 years I have failed to learn to love myself before anyone else. I have failed to give to myself all the things I that I need. I don't blame Jermaine. And I'm not going to blame myself. I'm going to forgive myself for ignoring the voice inside of me that has been screaming "you are worth it." I'm gonna forgive myself for holding so tightly to hope that I don't notice that it is no longer hope that I'm clinging to. I'm going to forgive myself for loving others more than I love myself.
And in this forgiving I'm going to say good-bye to Jermaine.

So once again, I'm replacing one relationship for another. And while I'm nursing the wounds this break-up has inflicted, the person that is going to be around to dry my tears, make me feel accepted, and offer me hope........is me. Goodbye Jermaine, Hello Lynn.

Lynn's Law:
You're never too old to fall in love with yourself.