Empty Calories

Dating two guys should be exhausting, right? I should be confusing names,frantically juggling time and phone calls, so busy I don't know what to do with myself. Isn't that how my life should play out on the big screen?

Guess again. I'm pretty much bored.

For one, both men have kids. And to give the them proper credit and respect, they are both really good fathers. And we all know being a good father takes time. A lot of time. Because I'm just dating...neither one of them involves me their kid's life. That is surely a sign, right? I know. I know.

One of the guys I'm seeing is basically a complete slacker. He is a massage therapist who barely massages! I'm not exactly sure how he spends his days, but I do no it's not by paying attention to me, or making money. We have been dating since March. The sex is great. We have fun when we hang out together. He makes me laugh. And he brought me to get my first tattoo. I have tried to transition our relationship into just friendship. But he is never satisfied with that. He doesn't want to pay attention to me, but he surely doesn't want someone else to, either. Bottom line, my heart knows he isn't the right one for me...and I've pretty much known that since March. But he does provide the occasional distraction from thinking about Jermaine. And when he's attentive, I do like it.

I've been seeing guy #2 for only a couple of months. And he's pretty much a stand up guy. Good values, good job. He's going through all sorts of baby mamma drama and custody stuff. I like him, maybe a little more than should, because bottom line he's emotionally not available. He's dealing with other stuff and I don't really have a place in his life. At least the place I'm looking to fill. We don't have the same sexual chemistry as Sean and I, but he's sweet, affectionate when I'm with him, and a great date. But to be honest, his lack of attention and investment makes me a little angry and pokes at a soft, sensitive place inside of me. I have not healed enough from my hurt with J. I don't think I'm strong enough to ride this one out. I will chalk this one up to timing.

My head says cut them both loose. And at this point, I don't think there would be a grave impact on my heart. So what am I waiting for? Better yet, what am I afraid of? I'm afraid of the thinking and the longing that will occur in the absence of them. These two men are my levees right now. Without them, the flood waters of Jermaine will come rushing in and drown me with sorrow. I can't have that.

I know I should be strong and independent......and dance to the beat of "I don't need a man." But I'm heartbroken. And I'm hurting. I am filled with so much self-doubt, I could bury civilizations with it. So like Janis Joplin says, "I'm gettin it while I can." Even with these two men in my life, I just feel like I'm running on empty.

I just want to be loved, is that so wrong? :) (Sorry, I needed the comic relief.)


Lynn's Law: Most men are like empty calories. Satisfying for a minute, but don't provide the fuel to go the distance.